Hi all, just to introduce myself, I'm Rob. Here's my story.
October 2020- separation. Punched, kicked, told to get out, living in hotels & bedsits.
November 2020- still seeing the kids for about a month, but I noticed that every time I saw them there were little comments like "mum says we have no money", which I kind of disregarded as I thought "they know the truth"- how wrong I was.
December 2020- in the space of a week, my ex told the kids she was dying of cancer because of me, that I was trying to have them put into foster care and trying to split them up, that I had multiple kids by other women, that my family are all paedophiles, and that I never loved them. My older daughter had a total nervous breakdown. Within 24 hours I found out that I had been accused by her of "inappropriate touching while watching child porn". Social Services and the police were informed. Went to court and I was told that a report would be prepared detailing the allegations, this never came. Next court date due in March 2021. I spent three months suicidal, expecting the door to come crashing in, never having even heard of PA, no contact from the kids, in lockdown, no family around (I was in Ireland), nothing. The last message my daughter sent to me said "you're our dad, our best friend, please don't forget about us and come get us". This was the only light left- hope.
March 2021- the next court hearing. Judge calls ex a 'disgrace' and orders immediate access. I am told by my solicitor that the allegations have changed- its now two counts of rape of my daughter as well as inappropriate touching. I rush around organising a supervisor, and access is set for two days after the court hearing, and I was crying with joy. The visit arrives and my daughter immediately starts attacking me verbally, my ex refuses to leave the house and tells the supervisor "he's a paedophile, he raped my daughter". We stuggle on with a few more visits that go the same way, then back to court to try and get an enforcement.
May 2021- back into court. Judge refuses to enforce because of the allegations, but does agree to order a 'voice of the child' report, and orders zoom calls. These never happen. Divorce papers are served. Ex abducts the children and goes back to live with her mum, so I move back into the family home to find that ex tried to set fire to the place before she left. I have a total breakdown, lose track of hours and come to walking up and down a train station platform, I find the car with the engine still running a mile away. This scares the living daylights out of me so the next day I assemble a 'legal team' specialising in false allegations, and seek therapy/ counselling, where I'm told I have severe cPTSD. I am told that the police will do everything they can to get a conviction, not to trust them, hide phones, expect the doors to come in at 4am, and the fact its a child means that it will likely go straight to charges. Life is a blur and I don't want to live any more.
August 2021- voice of the child report sessions. I am in there for 8 hours, ex fails to show up. She is summonsed to court and told that if she doesn't attend then she will be locked up, but the next session available is in December 2021, so another 4 months' delay. I continue to spend every day & night expecting "the knock", and spend weeks preparing my evidence- I get my phone cloned in case its seized, and contact a group called 'false allegation forensics'. The full horror of what I'm facing sinks in- I'm likely looking at charges carrying a 20 year sentence. On top of the grief, trying to hold a job down and messing around with affadavits, financial statements etc. Police confirm that "there is an active investigation around allegations of a very serious nature, and we will be in touch in due course". Solicitor tells me I am 'crazy' to go ahead with the voice of the child as unless its glowing, it could be used as evidence against me. I decide to go ahead anyway.
December 2021- the next voice of the child session. Delayed by another week as ex told the assessor that I was going to be "arrested and charged" within 48 hours. This never happen, but the assessor is so concerned that I spend 2 hours being grilled with questions about sex/ deviance and feel disgusted. Turns out that the assessor paid £500 for a 'sexual offender profile test' which the bloody FBI use, so that he can put it in the report.
February 2022- the report is issued. Judge sits on his throne, and after a long delay looks at me and says "it seems I owe you an apology". Looks at ex and says "if it wasn't for these allegations, you would be sitting where he is, requesting access to your own children. we are now firmly in transfer of residence territory". The report is glowing about me, and scathing of ex. I am deemed zero risk of sexual offences, violence, and the report outlines how the children have internalised the lies they were told. I am given full access every weekend and told to "sort out these allegations". However solicitor reminds me- "the police are still digging trying to build a case to lock you up for years, they don't care about the family court".
March 2022- Access starts, and ex refuses to attend. She is advised that I will never get any kind of enforcement while the allegations are live. I can do nothing. I end up on antidperessants, nothing to live for, all for nothing. the cPTSD gets worse, its debilitating. And still waiting for 'the knock'. I don't actually remember much about these months, they are a blur of grief, sadness, trauma, anger, and I feel like i have nothing to live for. I join some support groups who deal with PA and thats a bit of light.
August 2022- the phone rings, and its the police. Inviting me for 'interview'. I arrange a solicitor to attend with me, and he outlines the sheer size of the problem, that people tend to 'believe women' and 'believe children', and he says to say absolutely nothing to see what they have, and then prepare for trial based on what they're holding.
September 2022- police interrogation. I am arrested and the allegations are rape, sexual assault, child porn, strangulation, physical violence spanning 10 years. I spend a full day in the cells and being interrogated, and it is the worst day of my life. By some distance. Solicitor says he never heard anything like it- there is no evidence apart from statements, but he says "its still fairly likely you'll be charged, its a child and a woman". He says that based on all the evidence I have- locations, messages, cards, photos, I would be "ok", but by that stage my name would be out there- would lose job, lose everything. I am struggling to cope.
April 2023- divorce day. While driving to the court to get divorced, the police call and say they need to get into my house to search it, they have a warrant. Ex fails to show for divorce hearing- solicitor & barrister remark "this cannot be a coincidence". My head is everywhere- she attends the next day and I spend the day thrashing out divorce deals while fielding work calls and getting calls from the police telling me they are coming in. May 2023- police come. They search the place and take loads of photos. Its the superintendant that comes, which I'm told means they are taking it very seriously.
May 2023- September 2023- a living hell. Waiting, thinking, worrying. I take up breathwork, reiki, psychoanalysis, join groups, and I get really physically fit to try to deal with things- just trying to stay alive. Knowing that the next day might be my last one alive. I learn train timetables in case they charge as I know I wouldn't be able to deal with it, wondering whether I should just end it all before they get chance, yet I have this feeling "no, they'd think that was an admission, there is always hope", but that feeling dims with each day.
September 14th 2023- the phone rings and its the criminal solicitor, he says "I have big news". After what felt like 3 hours, but was probably around 5 seconds, he say "no charges, they knew it wasn't true, but they had to exhaust all avenues, and they'll go to family court to say as much if you like". I am crying as I type that again. Its over. The rest of the day is a blur, I can't think, speak, I just go to bed and sleep for about 14 hours. I tell my solicitor and she says she wants to complain about making false statements, but I have had enough, I can't deal with any more. All I can think about is its over, I have a second chance at life
From then to now- I thought it was a second chance, but its tough. I have really bad cPTSD and go to therapy each week. I'm told that because I was in 'fight or flight' for 3 years, the grief and trauma never came to the surface. It well and truly has now. My kids are now too old to do anything legally, at 17 and 15, so my vindication came too late. There is nothing I can do. I guess if I was going to give any kind of advice, it would be of the cheesy kind- never ever give up. If I look back a year I was not divorced, waiting for the police to smash the door in, struggling to function & hold a job down, spent £85k in legal fees and counting, its a bit better now. I am involved in all kinds of support groups working to raise awareness (check the Parental Alienation section!), I just signed up to do a masters degree in PA, there is ALWAYS hope. I have a facebook page where I put up messages and photos of the kids, and I am tying to just be the person I need to be for when the phone beeps and its them.
I'd also like to say that there is no person more resilient, strong and wise on this planet as an alienated parent, and sometimes we should remember that. Sending very manly hugs to you all, and I'll definitely be back on here for the long haul now.
Cheers
Rob
