What is the Alienator's Playbook?

Parental alienation is a challenging issue that impacts countless families.

It happens when one parent turns the child against the other parent, leading to deep emotional scars for both the child and the alienated parent.

By learning about the methods used by alienating parents, those affected can take steps to protect their relationships with their children.

This article will unpack the alienator's tactics, illustrating each strategy and providing practical advice on how to shield yourself and your child from these harmful behaviours.

If you're an alienated parent and need help with your situation then you should join PAPA today.

At PAPA we have several free to use support spaces, as well as several additional resources available to our Plus members, such as courses, PAPA AI, 1-2-1 help and workshops on family law and mental health.

The Alienator's Playbook

Parents who attempt to alienate their children from the other parent nearly always adopt a set pattern of behaviours, almost as though they are reading from a playbook.

These 7 steps listed are for exposure and awareness to help individuals and organisations identify these serious and abusive behaviours in order to better safeguard children.

1. Destroy the Other Parent's Image

Alienating parents often make negative comments about the other parent in front of the child.

This can include distorted stories about the parent's behaviour or emphasising their shortcomings.

A study found that children exposed to high levels of parental conflict were 30% more likely to experience emotional problems.

For example, if a mother consistently tells her child that their father is neglectful and lazy, the child may start to view their father through that distorted lens.

Over time, these negative portrayals can lead to feelings of fear and discomfort during interactions with the targeted parent.

It's essential to recognise this tactic so that you can counteract its effects.

2. Control Access to the Child(ren)

Controlling access is another common tactic.

The alienating parent may limit the time the child spends with the other parent or even sabotage forms of communication, such as phone calls or video chats.

Statistics show that when one parent significantly blocks access to another, children are more likely to express confusion and distress, especially if they feel pulled in conflicting directions.

For instance, if a father frequently cancels child visits, claiming the child feels unwell, the child may internalise this narrative, believing that their father is untrustworthy.

This manipulation enforces the alienator’s control and deepens the divide between parents.

3. Weaponise Loyalty

Alienating parents create situations in which the child feels they must choose sides.

This may involve direct statements like, "If you care about me, you will ignore your other parent."

Research indicates that children made to feel guilty about loving both parents face increased anxiety and emotional turmoil.

Consider a scenario where a mother becomes visibly upset when her child talks about good times spent with their father.

This reaction can create guilt in the child, leading to a fractured relationship with their father and complicating their emotional growth.

4. Reward Rejection of the Alienated Parent

To solidify the child's distance from the other parent, alienators may reward the child for negative comments or behaviours showing rejection.

This could include extra playtime, special treats, or verbal praise when the child expresses dislike towards the other parent.

For example, if a child criticises their father and receives praise for it, the child learns that they gain approval by siding with the alienating parent.

This rewarding cycle can further alienate the child from their other parent, making it hard to rebuild that relationship.

5. Erase Allies

Alienating parents often attempt to eliminate any allies the alienated parent may have.

This could involve spreading misinformation about the targeted parent to family members, friends, or even teachers, making them seem unreliable or harmful.

According to experts, isolation can cause significant emotional distress in children, leading them to feel unsupported.

If a child’s loved ones regularly express suspicion about the alienated parent, the child might also internalise fears, feeling that reaching out for help could be seen as betrayal.

This loneliness only amplifies the child's confusion and emotional strain.

6. Weaponise the System - and Brainwash in the Meantime

Some alienating parents leverage legal and social systems to advance their agenda.

They might file false claims of abuse or neglect, pulling the child into distressing investigations that threaten their relationship with the other parent.

A report indicated that nearly 40% of allegations made in high-conflict divorces are unfounded.

During this process, they may instil fear and distrust in the child through exaggerated tales about the targeted parent's behaviour.

This not only alienates the child but creates an environment of anxiety around their feelings and loyalties.

7. Play the Victim

Lastly, alienating parents often portray themselves as the victim of the situation.

They may share their struggles with others, crafting a narrative that places them in a sympathetic light.

This can garner support while pushing the targeted parent further into isolation.

When an alienating mother tells friends how her life is miserable due to her child's visits with the father, she can manipulate perceptions.

This narrative positions her as the one in pain, making it harder for others to see the damaging behaviours at play and ultimately distorting the child's view of the other parent.

Why It Matters

Understanding the alienator's playbook is crucial for anyone facing parental alienation.

Research shows that children experiencing this alienation may develop long-term issues, including depression and difficulty in forming healthy relationships.

Furthermore, alienated parents can experience feelings of helplessness and grief, compounding their struggles.

Recognising these tactics helps both parents and children navigate the complexities of their relationships and work toward healing and reconciliation.

What You Can Do to Protect Yourself

1. Document Everything: Keep a detailed record of interactions with the alienating parent, noting any manipulative behaviours and negative comments made in front of the child. This information can be vital if legal actions are necessary.

   
   

2. Maintain Open Communication: Encourage open lines of dialogue with your child. Create a safe space for them to share their feelings. Reassure them that loving both parents is perfectly okay.

   
   

3. Seek Professional Help: Involving a therapist who understands parental alienation can provide essential support for you and your child. Regular sessions can help the child process their emotions and strengthen family connections.

   
   

4. Educate Yourself and Others: Understanding parental alienation helps combat it. Share knowledge with family and friends to cultivate a supportive environment for your child.

   
   

5. Legal Support: Consider consulting with PAPA to understand your rights. Legal guidance from PAPA can guide you through custody arrangements and strategies to protect your relationship with your child.

   
   

6. Focus on the Child's Well-Being: Prioritise your child's emotional health. Foster a nurturing environment where they can thrive, creating a positive space for both parents in their lives.

   
   

Moving Forward

Parental alienation is a harsh reality for many families.

However, understanding the tactics used by alienating parents can help you take effective action.

By recognising these destructive behaviours and employing supportive strategies, you can strive toward healing and rebuild cherished connections with your child.

You are not alone in this battle.

Resources and support are available to guide you through the challenges of parental alienation.

By staying informed and proactive, you can foster a nurturing and loving environment for both you and your child, encouraging a healthy relationship despite the adversity faced.

In need of help or support?

If you are an alienated parent reading this article and feel you are in need of help and support then please make sure to join PAPA today by signing up here on our website.

This will give you access to our community support forum as well as our Resource Centre, which includes downloadable guides and on-demand courses to help through the process of being alienated and regaining contact with your children.

We also have our Facebook support group that you can join here.

Our Facebook support group has several dedicated chat rooms where you can get immediate support.

If you are a member of PAPA you can also send us a message here on the website and we will try to get back to you as soon as possible but please bear in mind, we have hundreds of messages weekly so it may take us a while to get back to you.

We are currently prioritising PAPA Plus members due to high demand.

Regardless of circumstance you are not alone and at PAPA we are here to support you.

Become a PAPA Ambassador

If you like our resources, articles and support networks and agree with what we stand for then why not get involved and help us push PAPA further by joining our Ambassador Program?

We would love for you to join us and help spread awareness for parental alienation and all of the dynamics involved so that we can continue to help parents and children towards a better future.

Our Ambassador Program allows you to grow your involvement with the cause by earning points on your membership.

To earn points we have created rewards for actions such as completing one of our courses, booking a case review, or ordering supply.

We will be adding new rewards and actions to our Ambassador Program as we continue to grow our awareness efforts.

We want our members to feel rewarded for their support as we continue to look for new ways to improve the lives of those impacted by parental alienation.

You can also become a PAPA Plus member, which will give you exclusive access to even more help and resources.

Each PAPA Plus membership makes a huge difference to the cause as it really helps us to improve our services and our awareness campaigns.

Proceeds from memberships and supply allow us to push the cause much further towards raising awareness and improving our services and resources so that we can continue to help more and more parents and children.

Thank you for reading and for your continued support of PAPA and our mission to end parental alienation.