Why Children Choose the Wrong Parent: The Strange Pull of the Alienator.

Children sometimes reject the parent who loves them most.

This painful reality is often misunderstood.

The rejection is not always a choice made freely by the child but can be the result of a subtle and powerful psychological force.

This force, which can be called the “strange pull,” arises from manipulation, fear, or loyalty traps created by the alienating parent.

Understanding this dynamic helps explain why love alone does not always guarantee a close relationship between a child and a parent.

This article will delve into some parental alienation dynamics and why children are often not in charge of their own thoughts and feelings when with their alienator.

If you're an alienated parent and need help with your situation then you should join PAPA today.

At PAPA we have several free to use support spaces, as well as several additional resources available to our Plus members, such as courses, PAPA AI, 1-2-1 help and workshops on family law and mental health.

The Power of Proximity and Control

The parent who controls the child’s daily environment naturally shapes the child’s view of the world and the family.

When a child depends on one parent for routine needs, emotional support, and safety, that parent becomes the “safe” choice by default.

This control extends beyond physical presence; it influences the child’s narrative about both parents.

Dependency creates an uneven playing field.

The child may feel pressure to align with the parent who provides stability, even if that parent is the source of emotional manipulation.

The daily routine, combined with emotional pressure, can make the child see the other parent as distant, unsafe, or even threatening.

Story 1 – The Parent Who Became the Enemy

Consider a child who was taught to see one parent as a threat.

The alienating parent repeatedly expressed concern with phrases like, “I’m just worried about you.”

Over time, these hints and staged moments of concern built a narrative that the other parent was dangerous or untrustworthy.

The child, without real evidence, began to align with the alienator’s view.

This story shows how repeated subtle messages can shape a child’s perception.

The child’s rejection is not based on personal experience but on the alienator’s influence.

The parent who loves the child most becomes the enemy in the child’s eyes.

Story 2 – Loyalty Through Fear

Another example involves a teenager who stayed close to the more volatile parent to avoid conflict.

This teen did not choose the “wrong” parent out of love but out of fear.

The alienating parent punished any sign of affection toward the other parent, creating a loyalty trap.

The teen’s behavior was a survival strategy.

Staying loyal to the alienator meant avoiding emotional punishment or anger.

This fear-based loyalty distorts the child’s true feelings and makes it difficult for the healthy parent to maintain a connection.

Story 3 – The Parent Who Became a Myth

In some cases, a child slowly idealises the alienator while the other parent becomes a distant, distorted figure.

The child absorbs exaggerated stories, misremembers events, and internalises the alienator’s pain.

This process turns the rejected parent into a myth, someone who exists only in fragments and shadows.

This myth-making protects the child from the confusion and pain of divided loyalties.

It also deepens the alienation, making reconciliation more challenging as the child’s view is shaped by stories rather than reality.

The Psychology Behind the Pull of the Alienator

Several psychological concepts explain why children fall under this strange pull:

• Emotional enmeshment: The child becomes overly involved in the alienator’s emotions, losing their own sense of independence.

• Triangulation: The child is caught between two parents, often used as a messenger or pawn.

• Role reversal: The child takes on the role of protector or confidant for the alienator.

• Dependency: The child depends on the alienator for emotional or physical needs, confusing survival with preference.

  
  

These dynamics make the alienator feel like the “right” choice, even when they cause instability.

The child’s instincts for safety and belonging override their ability to see the situation clearly.

Why the Healthy Parent Is Often Rejected

The healthy parent often sets boundaries, offers consistency, and remains calm.

These qualities can feel foreign to a child raised in chaos.

The child may resist the healthy parent because their approach requires discomfort and change.

Manipulative parenting offers immediate validation and emotional intensity, which can feel more familiar and appealing.

The healthy parent’s steady presence may be misunderstood as cold or distant, even though it provides the foundation for healing.

The Long-Term Consequences

Parental alienation has lasting effects on children:

• Identity confusion: Children struggle to understand who they are apart from the alienator’s influence.

• Guilt: They feel torn between loyalty and love, often blaming themselves.

• Estrangement: Relationships with the rejected parent may break down completely.

• Future relationships: The patterns of manipulation and fear can affect how children relate to others as adults.

  
  

Understanding these consequences highlights the importance of addressing parental alienation early and with care.

Choices That Weren't Really Choices

It is essential to recognise that the decisions made by children in these complex situations often stem from a place of deep-seated need rather than genuine choice.

When faced with the daunting reality of their circumstances, children might gravitate towards what appears to be the most viable option for them, whether that be seeking safety, gaining approval, or ensuring their own survival.

These so-called choices are often heavily influenced by their environment, emotional needs, and the relationships they have with their caregivers or parental figures.

As they navigate through these formative years, children may feel compelled to align themselves with a parent or guardian who offers them the most immediate sense of security or acceptance, even if that relationship is fraught with manipulation or conditional love.

This can lead them to make decisions that seem like choices on the surface but are, in fact, survival mechanisms crafted in response to their circumstances.

Moreover, the impact of these early decisions can linger long into adulthood.

When the manipulative dynamics that once dictated their choices begin to fade, many individuals embark on a journey of self-discovery.

It is during this process that they often confront the reality of their past and uncover the truth about the motivations behind their earlier decisions.

They may realise that their relationships were based more on a quest for safety or approval than on a genuine connection.

This awakening can be both liberating and challenging, as it forces individuals to reevaluate their past choices and the patterns they have carried into their adult lives.

Ultimately, this journey towards understanding is crucial, as it empowers them to break free from the constraints of their childhood experiences and to forge healthier, more authentic relationships moving forward.

It highlights the importance of recognising that what may have felt like a choice was often a response to a complex web of emotional needs, survival instincts, and the desire for acceptance.

In need of help or support?

If you are an alienated parent reading this article and feel you are in need of help and support then please make sure to join PAPA today by signing up here on our website.

This will give you access to our community support forum as well as our Resource Centre, which includes downloadable guides and on-demand courses to help through the process of being alienated and regaining contact with your children.

We also have our Facebook support group that you can join here.

Our Facebook support group has several dedicated chat rooms where you can get immediate support.

If you are a member of PAPA you can also send us a message here on the website and we will try to get back to you as soon as possible but please bear in mind, we have hundreds of messages weekly so it may take us a while to get back to you.

We are currently prioritising PAPA Plus members due to high demand.

Regardless of circumstance you are not alone and at PAPA we are here to support you.

Become a PAPA Ambassador

If you like our resources, articles and support networks and agree with what we stand for then why not get involved and help us push PAPA further by joining our Ambassador Program?

We would love for you to join us and help spread awareness for parental alienation and all of the dynamics involved so that we can continue to help parents and children towards a better future.

Our Ambassador Program allows you to grow your involvement with the cause by earning points on your membership.

To earn points we have created rewards for actions such as completing one of our courses, booking a case review, or ordering supply.

We will be adding new rewards and actions to our Ambassador Program as we continue to grow our awareness efforts.

We want our members to feel rewarded for their support as we continue to look for new ways to improve the lives of those impacted by parental alienation.

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Each PAPA Plus membership makes a huge difference to the cause as it really helps us to improve our services and our awareness campaigns.

Proceeds from memberships and supply allow us to push the cause much further towards raising awareness and improving our services and resources so that we can continue to help more and more parents and children.

Thank you for reading and for your continued support of PAPA and our mission to end parental alienation.