Why Some Parents Use Kids as Tools of Revenge.

Breakups and custody battles often bring out the worst in parents.

Instead of focusing on the well-being of their children, some parents use their kids as pawns in a painful struggle.

This kind of conflict leaves wounds that are not visible but run deep.

The most damaging scars are psychological, shaping a child’s future in ways that last far beyond the courtroom.

This article looks at what motivates parents to behave in negative was and the harm this causes to children.

If you're an alienated parent and need help with your situation then you should join PAPA today.

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The Psychology Behind Revenge Parenting

When a relationship ends badly, emotions run high.

Parents may feel abandoned, angry, or powerless.

Some struggle with narcissistic traits or an overwhelming need to control the situation.

These feelings can push a parent to redirect their pain toward the other parent by turning the child into a battlefield.

For example, a parent who feels rejected might try to punish the other by limiting the child’s time with them.

This is not about the child’s best interest but about winning a personal war.

The child becomes a tool to express unresolved anger or to regain a sense of control.

Common Tactics Used to Manipulate Children

Parents who engage in revenge parenting often use subtle but harmful tactics to influence their children’s feelings and loyalty.

These include:

• Bad-mouthing the other parent in front of the child, even in small remarks that plant doubt.

• Creating fear or guilt around spending time with the other parent, suggesting that the child might be unsafe or disloyal.

• Exaggerating conflicts or blaming the other parent for problems that are not the child’s concern.

• Rewarding the child for rejecting the other parent, which can confuse the child’s natural feelings of love.

  
  

These behaviours slowly distort how a child sees both parents.

Over time, the child may feel torn between loyalty and love, unsure who to trust.

How Children Internalise the Conflict

Children caught in this struggle face deep emotional confusion.

When told they must “choose” between parents, they experience anxiety and guilt.

This forced decision can lead to:

• Identity struggles, as children try to reconcile conflicting messages about family and love.

• Loyalty conflicts, where children feel they are betraying one parent by loving the other.

• Damaged trust, making it hard for children to form healthy relationships later in life.

  
  

For example, a child who is told that spending time with one parent means hurting the other may withdraw emotionally or act out in school.

These effects often last well into adulthood.

The Silent Harm to the Targeted Parent

The parent who becomes alienated suffers in silence.

Their bond with the child is sabotaged not because of a lack of love but because of manipulation.

This parent often feels helpless and grieves the loss of connection.

Legal battles can drag on for years, adding stress and uncertainty.

The emotional toll includes feelings of rejection and isolation.

This ongoing conflict can make it difficult for the targeted parent to maintain a positive role in the child’s life.

Why Courts Often Fail to Recognise the Manipulation

Family courts face challenges in identifying emotional manipulation.

Judges and lawyers may lack training in recognising subtle forms of abuse.

Court processes can be slow, and decisions often rely heavily on the child’s stated preferences.

Unfortunately, children’s preferences are not always neutral.

They can be influenced by the parent who controls the narrative.

Without proper understanding, courts may unintentionally reinforce the manipulation, making it harder to protect the child’s best interests.

Breaking the Cycle: What Needs to Change

To protect children from becoming weapons in parental conflicts, several changes are necessary:

• Early intervention to identify and address emotional manipulation before it becomes entrenched.

• Better education for professionals involved in custody cases, including judges, lawyers, and social workers.

• Promoting equal parenting to reduce opportunities for one parent to control the child’s loyalty.

  
  

Programs that focus on communication and cooperation between parents can help shift the focus back to the child’s well-being.

Encouraging parents to put aside their differences and work together benefits everyone involved.

Childhood Should Never Be a Weapon

Children deserve to love both parents without feeling caught in the middle of adult conflicts.

Protecting their emotional health means recognising the hidden wounds caused by revenge parenting and manipulation.

It requires awareness, education, and a commitment to putting children’s needs first.

By understanding the psychology behind these behaviours and advocating for change, we can help break the cycle.

The goal is clear: children should grow up feeling safe, loved, and free to build strong relationships with both parents.

This is the foundation for their future happiness and well-being.

In need of help or support?

If you are an alienated parent reading this article and feel you are in need of help and support then please make sure to join PAPA today by signing up here on our website.

This will give you access to our community support forum as well as our Resource Centre, which includes downloadable guides and on-demand courses to help through the process of being alienated and regaining contact with your children.

We also have our Facebook support group that you can join here.

Our Facebook support group has several dedicated chat rooms where you can get immediate support.

If you are a member of PAPA you can also send us a message here on the website and we will try to get back to you as soon as possible but please bear in mind, we have hundreds of messages weekly so it may take us a while to get back to you.

We are currently prioritising PAPA Plus members due to high demand.

Regardless of circumstance you are not alone and at PAPA we are here to support you.

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We would love for you to join us and help spread awareness for parental alienation and all of the dynamics involved so that we can continue to help parents and children towards a better future.

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We will be adding new rewards and actions to our Ambassador Program as we continue to grow our awareness efforts.

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Proceeds from memberships and supply allow us to push the cause much further towards raising awareness and improving our services and resources so that we can continue to help more and more parents and children.

Thank you for reading and for your continued support of PAPA and our mission to end parental alienation.