Why the Alienating Parent Often Looks Like the “Better” Parent.

Parental alienation cases often puzzle everyone involved.

The parent who undermines the child’s relationship with the other parent frequently seems more attentive, caring, and emotionally connected.

This creates confusion for professionals, courts, and family members trying to understand what is truly happening.

This article explores why alienating behaviour can appear as good parenting and how this illusion affects children and adults alike.

If you're an alienated parent and need help with your situation then you should join PAPA today.

At PAPA we have several free to use support spaces, as well as several additional resources available to our Plus members, such as courses, PAPA AI, 1-2-1 help and workshops on family law and mental health.

The Illusion of Emotional Attunement

Alienating parents often seem highly responsive and involved with their children.

They appear to understand the child’s feelings and needs deeply.

Yet, this emotional attunement usually serves a specific purpose: it encourages the child’s loyalty and dependence on the alienating parent rather than promoting healthy independence or secure attachment.

For example, an alienating parent might comfort a child only when the child expresses negative feelings about the other parent.

This selective attention creates a bond based on shared rejection rather than genuine emotional support.

The child learns that showing loyalty to one parent means rejecting the other, which can limit the child’s emotional growth.

Visibility versus Stability

Alienating parents tend to be more visible in the child’s daily life.

They communicate frequently, express emotions openly, and are present in routines.

This high visibility can be mistaken for better parenting.

Meanwhile, the targeted parent may adopt a calmer, more reserved approach, setting clear boundaries and regulating emotions.

This style can be misunderstood as disengagement or lack of care.

For instance, a parent who calmly enforces rules and maintains consistent routines might be seen as distant compared to a parent who reacts strongly to every situation.

The difference in style does not mean one parent cares more; it reflects different ways of supporting a child’s emotional needs.

Narrative Control and First Impressions

Alienating parents often shape the story early on.

They present themselves as protective and loving while portraying the other parent as unsafe, absent, or uncaring.

This narrative becomes the dominant lens through which the child and others view the family situation.

Once this story takes hold, it is difficult to change.

Courts and professionals may rely on the first impression, which favours the alienating parent’s version of events.

This control over the narrative can prevent a fair assessment of both parents’ roles and the child’s best interests.

Emotional Rewards and Loyalty Conditioning

Children quickly learn that agreeing with the alienating parent or rejecting the other parent brings emotional rewards.

These rewards include closeness, approval, and attention.

On the other hand, showing neutrality or resisting the alienation can lead to withdrawal, distress, or subtle punishment.

For example, a child who criticises the targeted parent may receive praise and extra affection.

If the child expresses doubt or wants to spend time with both parents, they might face coldness or emotional distance.

This conditioning shapes the child’s behaviour and feelings, often without conscious awareness.

How Professionals Are Misled by Alienating Parents

Systems that deal with family disputes often equate emotional expressiveness with genuine concern.

Alienating parents may display performative vulnerability, heightened distress, and strong certainty about their position.

These behaviours can overshadow the more consistent but understated parenting of the targeted parent.

For example, a professional might see a parent’s tears and passionate statements as proof of deep care, while overlooking the other parent’s steady support and calm presence.

This imbalance can affect decisions about custody and visitation, sometimes to the child’s detriment.

The Child’s Adaptation

Children adapt to the emotional environment created by alienation.

They align with the parent who appears emotionally dominant or dependent because this alignment feels safer.

This behaviour is a survival strategy, not a true reflection of the child’s preference or the reality of the parents’ roles.

A child may reject one parent to maintain security with the other, even if they still have love for both.

Understanding this adaptation helps professionals and family members see beyond surface behaviours to the child’s underlying needs.

The “Better” Parent Is Not Always the Healthier One

The parent who seems more involved or emotionally expressive is not always the one providing the healthiest environment.

Without careful attention to patterns of behaviour, boundaries, and the child’s long-term emotional needs, alienation can be mistaken for good parenting.

Recognising the signs of alienation requires looking beyond first impressions and emotional displays.

It means considering the child’s overall well-being, the consistency of care, and the ability to support healthy attachments with both parents.

In need of help or support?

If you are an alienated parent reading this article and feel you are in need of help and support then please make sure to join PAPA today by signing up here on our website.

This will give you access to our community support forum as well as our Resource Centre, which includes downloadable guides and on-demand courses to help through the process of being alienated and regaining contact with your children.

We also have our Facebook support group that you can join here.

Our Facebook support group has several dedicated chat rooms where you can get immediate support.

If you are a member of PAPA you can also send us a message here on the website and we will try to get back to you as soon as possible but please bear in mind, we have hundreds of messages weekly so it may take us a while to get back to you.

We are currently prioritising PAPA Plus members due to high demand.

Regardless of circumstance you are not alone and at PAPA we are here to support you.

Become a PAPA Ambassador

If you like our resources, articles and support networks and agree with what we stand for then why not get involved and help us push PAPA further by joining our Ambassador Program?

We would love for you to join us and help spread awareness for parental alienation and all of the dynamics involved so that we can continue to help parents and children towards a better future.

Our Ambassador Program allows you to grow your involvement with the cause by earning points on your membership.

To earn points we have created rewards for actions such as completing one of our courses, booking a case review, or ordering supply.

We will be adding new rewards and actions to our Ambassador Program as we continue to grow our awareness efforts.

We want our members to feel rewarded for their support as we continue to look for new ways to improve the lives of those impacted by parental alienation.

You can also become a PAPA Plus member, which will give you exclusive access to even more help and resources.

Each PAPA Plus membership makes a huge difference to the cause as it really helps us to improve our services and our awareness campaigns.

Proceeds from memberships and supply allow us to push the cause much further towards raising awareness and improving our services and resources so that we can continue to help more and more parents and children.

Thank you for reading and for your continued support of PAPA and our mission to end parental alienation.