My story is quite long to put on here, so I've linked it. 5000+ words describing what I endured during marriage and a precursor to post separation, my mental state, how it governed my behaviours and mindset and mood and led to me harbouring suicidal thoughts/ideations and going as far as planning my suicide and wanting to go to family court and take my life in the actual court to get media attention to force it to the forefront of people's minds.
This is bigger than just me it's about all men and fathers who are unfairly treated and stigmatised. I guess you could say I wanted to be a martyr for the cause.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1W0onCngPdFeRI7EeDpy77eD-ObwTNqC0xSnKR_8vFHY/edit?usp=drivesdk
Some further context I need to add. My ex-wife and I are both of Indian descent. She is a higher caste than I am, I am from a very unique background called Anglo Indians.
It's quite an interesting but sad heritage. When the British Empire went to India in the 1600s among the more barbaric things some of them did did was rape indian under age girls and woman.
The result of some of those were babies being born illegitimately. Sadly, due to the primitive mindsets of people back then those mothers and the children were cast out of their communities and religion as they were considered "dirty".
So that is how the subset of Indians were created. They were cast out by their Indian people who they were more kin to biologically bit also discriminated against by the white people that were responsible for creating them.
I grew up without conventional parents. It takes far more than simply being born to a parent to actually be a parent. Although I had a Mother and Father, they both separated on my 6th Birthday 14th April 1987, a day I will never forget.
I remember waking up excited and running to my parents bedroom only to find them both having a physical fight.
My elder brother had jumped onto my Father's back to stop him from having my mum. After that all I recall is being whisked away with my Mother to what I now know is a woman's refuge.
Some woman were sprawled across the corridor, it was a really strange sight I now know those woman were all alcoholics or high on drugs.
And so ensued a series of events carried out by both my parents that would shape who I am today.
Within a year of uprooting my 4 year old sister and I, my mother fell pregnant by another man after she moved us to Bath quite some distance away from Southampton. In hindsight this was really unfair, to move us so far away from our dad.
The manner which she met this man bemused me. They met at what was called the DSS or Dole office, he approached her and asked if he could borrow some money. He didn't know her whatsoever.
This so called "man" became the Father of my half sister and also became my abuser.
My sister and I would see my Father at weekends, I don't recall the frequency but I remember my elder sister, who lived with my dad, coming to Bath on the coach to collect us and take us back to Southampton and after the visit she would take us back on the coach again, all paid for by my Father. Imagine how much that cost.
My mother's new partner (I refuse to acknowledge the term step father), as I said was abusive both physically and sexually.
While I played, as all children do, he would do stupid things like stick his leg out and make me trip over and he would laugh.
One occasion he asked me to put my half sisters nappy in the bin and I refused so he marched over and rubbed my face in her Nappy.
Another ocassion, he rubbed my face in excriment on the bathroom wall.
The sexual abuse was before I went to sleep. My mother irresponsibly allowed him to put us to bed. He would read us stories and when he tucked me in he would grope my private area and squeeze.
I remember not knowing what was going on, but just that it felt uncomfortable. I started to hide under the sheets to stop him trying but he would then hold the top of the sheet so I couldnt get out and I'd panic.
I don't remember how long it went on for, but I do remember going to my dad's one weekend and being scared to go back. I remember telling my dad about what was going on and that sent him ballistic.
Years later when I realised what he was actually doing I felt disgusting. I never told anyone about it except one friend. How could I tell anyone? Even when I told my ex wife in very small detail instead of trying to understand she went behind my back and told my sister, who didn't know what had happened and my sister didn't believe it. It made me feel even more worthless and vulnerable.
It had a massive effect on me. I don't like being touched in relationships. My exes have never understood why. Im very self conscious.
My Dad had to take out a loan to fight for custody of my sister and I, a loan which would end up crippling him financially.
He won custody of us but life was never really stable as such. My father worked to provide and was often absent. And eventually he met someone else himself and had another child. My sister and I were neglected and abandoned yet again.
Both parents has these two young children they failed and it seemed to make up for their failures they invested their time and effort into their new children.
It was only my Grandma (my dad's mum) that could see it and hated it. She would often tell us how disappointed she was that we were essentially abandoned.
If it were not for my grandmother, I hate to think where I would be today as a person. She instilled so many life lessons in us that made us who we are as people. She essentially saved us from being even more broken than we are.
What happened in my childhood shaped who I am today. The same way a good parent will positively shape the person a child transitions into adulthood, a bad parent will have the opposite result.
I'm aware I could have been so much more than I am if it were not for the selfish choices made by my parents.
The formative years of a child's life are so very important. Between a baby and age 12.
Our brain is an experience dependant organ. If you expose it to the types of experiences my parents did to me, what is bound to happen? I'll let you Google it or use ChatGPT to ask the question. It's shocking.
Today, I have CPTSD. I'll let you look that up too.
This is why I harbour such strong principles when it comes to my Children.
I do not agree with the term Step Father whatsoever. The term father for me should be reserved for one man. The biologically related one.
My ex-wife is adamant that our children should be introduced to a new male and it makes me both sad and frustrated.
Initially she was keen to have a 50/50 split but she didn't realise that if we did have that arrangement I would not have e to pay child support. When she discovered this she very quickly changed her stance and wanted full sole custody of the children.
Therefore, if she I produced a new male into my children's lives how can I counter his presence being more "primary" than their own father?
By nature men are very imposing. I define the roles of men and woman, fathers and mothers being somewhat like this;
Men are strong, disciplined and provide security and protection in a home. They are the first man in their daughters life and lay the foundations for her expectations of men. For their son's they provide the example of how to be disciplined and respectful, motivation.
Mother's are the orchestrators of happiness in the home they provide love and comfort they're the first woman in their son's life and teach them a woman's worth, how to respect woman by way of example of being a mother. For their daughters they teach how to be a woman, how to conduct a home.
There's a difference between father by name and father by nature. If a new male becomes more present in my children's lives and I can't counter that presence what do you think will happen?
His character will be naturally more imposed on them during their formative years thus stamping his own essence on them. He then becomes the "father figure" and I become the step father in the sense that I take a step down from all the things that should be exclusive to a biological Father.
In my opinion, any argument against this stating "you will always be their father" (which I hear so often) is a sentimental statement rather than one of logic.
After my experiences with my own childhood and parents and the abuse I suffered, Im sure you can see why I am loathed to allow my children to be exposed to a other male.
Everything I endured as a child and into my adolescence caused huge fractures in every aspect of my life. Ive always felt inferior, that I didn't fit in with anyone, I felt alone. I would try really hard to seek validation from others as I never got that from my parents.
Id often lie about things I'd own for people to like/value me for example. Something that friends who have known me from very young will remember.
I'm overly affectionate in relationships and have a fear of rejection. I need affection to help me cope. The only relationship I've had that lacked any affection was my marriage, which on hindsight caused me to become resentful as it subconsciously brought the rejection from my Mother to the forefront of my mind.
The abuse from my mother's choice of partner, caused me to dislike intimacy. No woman I've ever dated has seen me topless ever.
Despite in my 30s being a model for small magazines and becoming obsessed with the gym, I felt vulnerable and that was caused from a combination of my absent mother and father and the abuse I experienced.
Separation
After Separation, I was so consumed with grief and so many conflicting emotions, anger and sadness mainly. It drove me to become impulsive with my words. Often saying things out of frustration and always when she did something to antagonise me but never out of the blue.
It was always in response to something whether that was cancelling my visits with my son or the dissolution of finances during divorce, conflict about wanting me to sing 100% of the family home over with threats from her solicitor.
Some of the things I said were regrettable and born from defensive arrogance related to my unique Indian heritage. I'd make fun of her family's appearance and tell her she's a typical Indian whereas I am unique. I'd poke fun at how she thought she was a higher caste by saying her name held value in her village but here my name had more weight. I did it without thinking, impulsively and to want her to feel just some fraction of the hurt I felt.
After divorce I had a sort of routine with my 2 children, it took me some time to adjust to new habits and get myself into a stable mindset.
My daughter is the eldest (she was 4 at the time and now she is 8). She has autism, ADHD and SEMH. She's an extremely intelligent girl; she's enrolled with MENSA as she has evidenced signs of being a genius. She taught herself to read at age 2 for example, by obsessively watching YouTube videos on just phonics. By age 4 she was reading fluently, as well as an adult.
My son at the time of separation was 2 and very young. I've missed so much of his life. He loves dinosaurs and he has quite bad asthma so I can't do normal daddy and son things like sports with him. Instead, we bond over Jurassic world, Marvel, 80s and 90s cartoons and go to the theatre which he loves.
Everything was going great to a degree, until my ex wife kept cancelling my visits with my son at short notice. On several occasions I spent money on events that went to waste. My day off work is Sunday and Monday so I always have my son on Sundays and for my daughter I remain flexible due to her disabilities.
I can't have both children at the same time due to my daughters presenting needs and volatility and it becomes childminding as opposed to spending quality time with both. My ex wife doesn't like it and tries to force me to have them both together, even citing to social services that the reason I won't have both children at the same time is because I am trying to stop her from finding a new partner.
On the two occasions I did see them together, my daughter had meltdowns and demanded to go home after she was triggered by something.
Both occasions I had to cut short the visit and take them home. My son cried profusely and wanted to come back to my flat and stay with me, his mum and his grandma had to hold his arms and legs and carry him back into the house. I remember as I walked back to my car hearing him screaming "daddy daddy" and hitting the front door. He was only 3 years old at that time.
Another occasion as I carried him back home, he cried uncontrollably held my face and made me look at him and said "daddy make clock go back". Again, he was 3 he was so distraught he was innovating ways to try and spend more time with me.
So now comes the incident that lead to the catastrophic breakdown and my attempted suicide.
In February 2023, I messaged my ex-wife and said that there is a dinosaur show at the theatre but it is on Tuesday 27th June 2023 and Emré is at Nursery. Can I take him out of Nursery for this one day so we can go?
She replied No, because Nursery are preparing him for school in September 2023 and he needs routine.
I argued that he only goes to nursery for 3 hours that day and what would he miss in that time that would be detrimental to his preparation for school?
She didn't reply.
I messaged again twice in March and she gave me the same reply. I was obviously frustrated, as you can imagine.
On Friday 23rd June 2023, I decided I would go to the Nursery and I would introduce myself as my son's father and take some I.D and ask them if they could reason with my ex-wife and see sense.
When I got to the Nursery, unfortunately, she was there outside talking to the nursery teacher.
I approached and spoke to the Nursery teacher and told her the situation. My ex-wife interrupted while I spoke and I immediately and impulsively turned to her and said "shut up you b***h". Those were the very first words I'd spoken to her in 2 years as I refused to afford her my respect after what she did to me (see open letter)
The nursery woman said "okay I think we should call the police".
I immediately left and drove to TK Max and parked and took some time out to calm myself down. I called the Nursery and apologised to the woman and told her the full details of what was happening.
She accepted the apology but after that apology decided to call the police anyway.
She said that she had to enforce policy as I was a threat to the other children in the Nursery. I argued that at the point she realised I was Emrés father she should have used her initiative to pacify the situation as there was a clear conflict between myself and my ex-wife and she could have simply gauged there was no threat to the other children, and also the fact we were outside the nursery.
I was arrested. But they couldn't arrest me on grounds of violence at the nursery so they arrested me on "racially aggravated harassment" based on messages between us that were caste based.
I'd previously worked for the police and I still had contacts there and I was told that they said we can't take him in for this incident at the nursery. Is there anything else? Messages? So they asked to look through her phone and they decided that they would pursue that instead.
That was in July 2023 and since then my entire life has been turned upside down to the point I attempted suicide, I had no choice and even today I won't discount it.
The Police argued that I was a racist. I argued that they don't understand racism and this was an inter-race caste conflict that occurs a lot within our Indian culture and I asked for case law around caste based conflicts.
They refused and I was put on bail for 12 months and then the CPS pressed charges.
My bail conditions stated I can't go near my ex-wife's home address and all contact with the children needs to go through a 3rd party. Very vague instructions for the child contact aspect.
My interpretation based on logic was that I needed to go via a 3rd party to arrange to pick up and drop off the children at a location other than her home address. I could deal with that despite it being an inconvenience.
I started using my best friend as a 3rd party to message my ex-wife. We needed this as we had to keep dialogue going for my daughter and her disability.
This was working fine, no animosity. All of a sudden I received a message from the lady at the nursery saying she would be acting as a 3rd party for my ex wife. I don't know why she did this as she was not suitable.
So now the communication stream became even more convoluted. I send a message to my 3rd party who sends it to her 3rd party. She then replies to her 3rd party who then replies to my 3rd party who then replies to me.
Here is where the problems arise. My 3rd party is a medical professional. She always remained impartial and not once out across her own views on the topics being discussed in the messages between myself and my ex-wife.
These topics ranged from my daughter's schooling to medical topics for both children.
However, my ex-wife's 3rd party would often put her own points across by replying directly to me about the topics in the email which were not required. She was simply a conduit.
During this entire saga including the manner which my marriage was ended and I was kicked out of my own home (see open letter link), I became mentally unstable
I stopped going out during the daytime, I became a recluse. I stopped eating well and began comfort eating, stopped going to the gym, started to suffer panic attacks and became paranoid.
This led to having strong suicidal thoughts (what I now know is called ideations). I even went as far as planning my suicide. Writing letters to people that mattered, writing my Will via cancer research, planning a video to address why even my funeral.
The actual act of suicide was the “easy” part as I have a education and background in biology and I know how to die very peacefully and painlessly.
In that state of mind I had messaged my ex wife via the 3rd party and disclosed my current mental state and suicide ideations.
The 3rd party replied with her own words and locked my state saying I don't want to hear about his suicidal thoughts and mental state. Pertaining it was some excuse.
In hindsight, I was (and still am) a broken mess.
Prior to this, I had reached out to my regional mental health team in 2023 as my mental state was spiralling. In the beginning they assessed me and I was out on the waiting list to be assessed fully by a psychologist.
When I had planned to take my own life, the mental health team (CMHT) were included in the emails.
I wanted them to understand my circumstances and how suffocated I was and that my suicide was a last resort as I felt pushed over the edge by my ex-wife and the various government institutions that were so very gender biased. A battle against a mother is one thing, how do you face up to institutions that have authority and power?
I had really desperate moments, particularly with the justice system that didn't have any desire or inclination to want to understand my perspective. They simply ushered me through their system and I had no voice.
Everytime I have been to court I've been looked upon like a seasoned criminal as the charges are read out. I can't respond, I simply listen. There's no way to mitigate or defend myself unless there is a trial.
My solicitor advised not to go to trial because the case is one related to racism, the chances of the jury being all white would be high and he said statistically and all white jury would find me guilty as they want to show that they are anti racism, despite the fact that both parties are Indian and this is an inter-racial caste based rather than a cut and dry case of racism.
CMHT has helped me alot. I was put under critical care on suicide watch essentially, and the services provided by CMHT,their genuine care has been astonishing. They visited me every single day in my home for a period.
When I didn't open the door when I was asleep they would message me and call my phone to make sure I was okay.
Some people do their jobs and just tick boxes to ensure they follow procedures but CMHT truly genuinely cares. If we're not for them I am absolutely certain I'd not be alive.
So now we come to the issues with social services.
My daughter has a children's disability social worker. My first interactions with this social worker were not good.
She and her department put together an assessment focused on my daughter and her complex needs.
The document looked quite simple, I remember commenting that it looked like it was put together by a year 8 student. It was written as if the author of it was speaking directly to my daughter.
They advised that it was like this as my daughter can access it when she is 16 so she can read it.
After reading the assessment document I was stunned. There were statements made in there such as
Remy, you don't see your father as often as your brother and your mum believes he doesn't want to see you die to your autism and ADHD
Your Dad decided to leave your family home in 2023
I was incensed.
I immediately called for a meeting and I calmly said.
We previously discussed this assessment, and You stated that it's written in a certain way as it's addressed to Ryan and she can access it when she's 16, is that correct?
The social worker and her manager both agreed this was correct.
I then went on to say;
If Remy accesses this document when she's 16 and reads the statement;
Remy, you don't see your father as often as your brother and your mum believes he doesn't want to see you die to your autism and ADHD
What do you think this will do to the already fractured father daughter relationship we have? I think that is tantamount to indirect parental alienation? Endorsed by none other than a government institution that yields authority?
Neither of them wanted to answer.
I filed a complaint and they did the assessment again. I didn't even receive an apology. They behaved so arrogantly almost as if they discovered their own mistakes and alerted me.
The 2nd issue with social services.
During this whole ordeal I have been desperately trying to see my two children. By this point I have not seen my Daughter for 17 months and my son I have seen on odd occasions by turning up after he started or finished school just to keep myself present in his mind. No more than 5 mins each time but I have not seen him properly since June 2023.
I very nearly missed his very first day at school and when I turned up at the school I was so emotional I cried in front of all the other parents who looked at me like I was completely weird. They probably thought I was being over emotional on his 1st day.
So, as I said I've been trying to see my children via my ex-wife's 3rd party but they kept saying I needed supervised visitations and I was confused.
I disregarded this and just demanded an arrangement to see my daughter. I told the 3rd party I would collect her and drop her off at X location.
Initially she began telling me that there would need to be a process to allow Remy get used to me again and began telling me information about my own daughter as if I had never met her before. I had to outbuerbinbhernpkace and let her know that she was my daughter.
She then made a statement (smugly) saying I need to speak to the social worker and I'll find out soon enough my own way why I can't see the children.
I was very confused and emailed the social worker.
This is what was said…
Good morning, Charles
I hope you're well.
Back in March 2024, I specifically asked the police officer to declare in writing what the arrangements should look like and this is what I was told.
"Mr Willis’s bail conditions are for all child contact to be through a third party. So, with that in mind, if Mr Willis was to have a telephone conversation with either of the children an appropriate third party chosen by Sheena must be present, in order to ensure that the conversations are appropriate. Furthermore, if he wishes to see the children in person, the same rules apply. A third party must be present with Mr Willis if he is with the children. If there is no third-party present, during either telephone or in person contact then this could be treated as a breach of police bail".
Now, the problem is the conditions states;
You must not contact Sheena Joshi directly or indirectly Sheena Joshi. SAVE for child contact through a third Party
The police “simpleton” police officer innovated his own interpretations of the vague conditions not even having the desire or inclination to seek legal advice.
The social worker at the time, did not even alert me to the fact she was going to seek clarification of the conditions to give me an opportunity to object. She simply did all of this, got her response and then cascaded this down to my children's schools.
Now comes the sad parts and for me clear indications of parental alienation
Remember at the beginning of this I mentioned how my ex-wife refused to allow me to take our son to the theatre on Tuesday 27th June 2023? A day he would have been at nursery?
Well I was looking at my son's ARBOUR account (it's an app used by schools) and I noticed that his attendance was 94%.
Initially I thought that he must have been off sick as he has asthma. I went into the further details to check and what do I see?
His mum took him on a 4 days agreed term time holiday accepted by the school.
Now, I don't have any problem with her taking him on holiday, that's not the issue.
How can she deny me taking him out of Nursery for just 3 hours citing that the nursery is preparing him for school, yet it is okay for her to take him out of actual school for 4 days?
Am I going crazy? Is this me overthinking and being silly?
So then I thought huh, okay if she was able to agree to take him out of school for 4 days then I should be able to do the same for just 1 day.
So, I put in a 1 day holiday request with the school for Monday 8th July 2024. I heard nothing back so on Thursday 4th July I followed up the email.
I received a telephone call from the head teacher and she said unfortunately she can't agree to the request.
Why? What is the difference between my ex-wife requesting and being accepted and me asking and being rejected?
It has to be a form of prejudice?
She has my son 24/7 and I don't
She is female and I am male
I am a darker shade of colour than she is
so it either has to be that you're complicit in alienating me from my son, you're sexist or you're a racist?
Obviously I was clutching at straws here.
She then said no not at all, we were advised by social services you have bail conditions and that you are a threat to your sons welfare and wellbeing so it was flagged as a safeguarding issue.
What compounded my grief was…
This was leaked out to the public domain. The head teacher cascaded this down to the other teachers. I can only assume this became a topic of conversation among them and then somehow was leaked to a parent who told other parents.
A friendly parent who I don't know and have never seen struck up a conversation with me recently. He didn't know who I was and I said I was Emrés father (my son)
He said “oh” and became a bit standoffish and reluctant to carry on the conversation.
I asked him straight out if I said something wrong. And he said people have said you were violent to Emré that you've beaten him.
I stood there and stared at him in disbelief. I cannot tell you how mortified I was. Fear, sadness everything all at once
I knew how this happened;
Social worker informs school headteacher
Headteacher informs teachers
Teachers discuss among one another
Teacher leaks out info to parent
Parent tells another parent
Another parent adds their own spin and tells another parent
The story gathers traction with details of things that just did not happen, fabricated events and stories.
What is the end result of all of this?
14 months of bail
16 months not seeing my children
Lost my career
2 degrees and an MSc null and void
professional memberships revoked
Unemployable in the UK
Can't get a VISA to continue career abroad
Homeless
Unable to provide for my 2 children financially
She very much relies on the child maintenance money. She is unemployed.
Who wins? She doesn't win, I certainly don't win. The CPS don't win maybe they get to use the case to further their career sand get okay rises.
I know who loses though. My two very young children.
Dear Charles,
Thank you for sharing your story. That took courage and strength. I have read your post as well as your open letter. Please know that your story is not uncommon. You are not alone. You are not crazy.
The details of your alienation story resonates strongly with me and I know about suicidal thoughts and the complex grief of a living loss.
I encourage you to connect with me personally for FREE support. Please refer to the contact information in the attached picture.
Remco Wijnhorst