Main parent to Zero contact!
Hi everyone, I’m new here and wanted to share what I’m currently going through.
I have two daughters, aged 4 and 1. I’ve always been heavily involved in their care, including being a stay-at-home dad for a period. After separation I moved into my own place in January and, for around 8 months, we had an established arrangement where the girls spent 4 nights a week with me and 3 with their mum.
On 1 August I asked their mum for £350 a month child maintenance. The CMS calculator suggested considerably more, but I thought £350 was fair. When we couldn’t agree, I eventually went through CMS.
Since around that period, things have deteriorated badly. I can’t prove the maintenance issue caused what followed, but the timing worries me.
Their mum has now stopped all normal unsupervised contact, saying she has concerns about the girls’ emotional wellbeing and safety. I have repeatedly asked what the specific safeguarding concern is that means I can no longer care for my own daughters normally, but I still haven’t been given a clear explanation.
Her position is currently that I can only see them through supervised contact at a family contact centre. I do not agree that supervision has been shown to be necessary. There has been no court finding, Cafcass assessment or Children’s Services finding saying I am a risk to my girls.
I’ve now gone around 3 weeks without seeing them in person. I finally had a video call with my eldest recently. I held myself together while speaking to her, but completely broke down once the call ended. I just miss my girls desperately.
Mediation isn’t until 21 October, and that is only mediation — it doesn’t mean I automatically see my children again then.
I’m now looking at making a C100 application for a Child Arrangements Order and asking the court to consider interim arrangements. My aim is a genuine shared-care arrangement, not to remove the girls from their mum.
Their mum also recently reported to CMS that she was now the main carer. I explained that the change was not agreed and that my normal care had been stopped by her. CMS rejected the reported change and kept the existing maintenance position.
This whole situation has had a massive impact on my mental health, but I’m trying to deal with it properly: mediation, legal advice, mental-health support and the court process if necessary.
I just want to be able to hold my daughters again and continue being the dad I’ve always been.
If anyone here has been through sudden loss of contact after previously having substantial shared care, I’d really appreciate hearing how you handled it and what eventually helped.
@Ashley Stephens Hi mate, so much of what you’ve written feels painfully familiar, particularly your concern about money being the trigger.
I’m a dad to three boys. My eldest has lived with me for around six years, and until March I had an established shared care arrangement for my younger two. There was a dispute over their mum continuing to claim Child Benefit and Universal Credit for my eldest while he was living with me. A Child Benefit decision came shortly before everything changed. Like you, I can’t prove that money caused what followed, but the timing concerns me.
On 8 March I went to their mum’s home to collect my 2 younger boys when I was informed that my middle son Charlie was not being returned. I was then assaulted by her partner and her father. I involved the police who later attended, and I subsequently obtained non molestation orders against both men.
Following the assault, the police and the schools were given an account which, from my own experience of what happened, was a complete reversal of the truth. Charlie witnessed the assault himself. He saw what actually happened to me, yet I have not seen him since that evening. he has effectively been withheld, alienated and silenced.
That is one of the hardest parts to live with. My son was there and witnessed the truth, but since then we have been separated, while an entirely different version of events has been presented to others.
I still have contact with my youngest, Ellis, who still lives with me 50% but my relationship with Charlie has been reduced to nothing. Going from being an involved, loving dad to suddenly being excluded from your child’s everyday life is incredibly painful.
I’ve been through the family court process, including Cafcass and a Section 7 report. The recommendation was wholly child led contact with Charlie. My concern is that this places the responsibility for rebuilding our relationship on him, when I believe the adults around him have influenced the situation. I don’t want him forced to see me or caught in the middle. I want him supported to have a relationship with both parents without pressure or guilt. The court system DOES NOT WORK and lets child down repeatedly. Such a shame.
What you said about holding yourself together during the video call and breaking down afterwards really hit home. People don’t always understand the grief of having a child who is still here, who you love desperately, but whose life you’re suddenly kept outside.
I wish I could tell you I’ve found the answer. I haven’t, and I’m still working through it. But I wanted you to know you’re not alone. Wanting to continue being the dad you’ve always been is something I understand completely.
Take care of yourself, mate. I really hope you get to hold your girls again soon.