How Alienated Children Reject Parents as a Survival Instinct.
- PAPA
- Jun 28
- 6 min read
Parental alienation can be a heart-wrenching ordeal for both children and parents.
It happens when one parent influences a child to reject the other parent, often leading to emotional and psychological pain for all involved.
This article will shed light on how children’s rejection of a targeted parent can sometimes be a survival instinct, not a true reflection of their feelings.
By exploring this concept, we hope to clarify that this behaviour is not the fault of the targeted parent, while also providing insight into the emotional complexities involved in parental alienation.
If you're an alienated parent and need help with your situation then please join PAPA today.
At PAPA we have several free to use support spaces, as well as additional resources available to our Plus members, such as courses, PAPA AI and 1-2-1 help.
The Basics of Parental Alienation
Parental alienation typically arises in high-conflict custody situations.
In these scenarios, one parent may intentionally distorts the child’s perception of the other parent.
They might do this by saying harmful things, withholding love when the child expresses interest, or even preventing positive memories from being discussed.
According to studies, nearly 21% of children in high-conflict divorces experience severe alienation.
Understanding this phenomenon requires recognising that both parents and children can be victims of a painful dynamic and that the process can leave lasting scars on all parties involved.
The Alienated Child's Perspective: Defence Mechanisms at Play
In high-stress situations where parents are at odds, children may instinctively reject the targeted parent as a self-preservation tactic.
This reaction can be viewed as a defence mechanism against perceived threats.
Younger children, in particular, may not understand the adult-level consequences of parental conflict, but they do pick up on the emotional currents around them.
For example, a child may perceive the alienating parent as a “safer” choice and believe that siding with them will help avoid conflict.
A survey indicated that 80% of children felt pressured to choose sides in parental disputes, reinforcing the idea that their rejection is tied to survival instincts.
Emotional Confusion and Loyalty Conflicts
The emotional confusion stemming from parental alienation creates a tumultuous atmosphere for kids.
They often feel torn between love for both parents, yet feel a strong sense of loyalty toward the alienating parent.
This inner conflict can foster guilt, anxiety, and a strong desire to reject the targeted parent.
Children may convince themselves that siding with the parent who is destabilising the relationship is a protective measure, believing they are acting in the family’s best interest.
This instinct is not a sign of a lack of love but a strategy to ease their emotional turmoil.
The Implications of Rejection: A Misunderstood Survival Response
It's essential to realise that rejecting the targeted parent does not mean that the child no longer loves or misses them.
This rejection is essentially a survival mechanism, a response to emotional pain that helps the child cope, often without their conscious awareness.
This instinct operates primarily on a subconscious level.
Children rarely articulate their fears of losing the love of the alienating parent.
Instead, they may act out by rejecting the targeted parent, showcasing how alienation manifests as a defence mechanism rather than a deliberate choice.
Recognising the Impact on Targeted Parents
The trauma felt by targeted parents can be profound.
The rejection they face can lead to despair, hopelessness, and emotional upheaval.
Statistics show that nearly 40% of targeted parents report symptoms of depression related to alienation.
Targeted parents often grapple with self-blame and wonder how they could have contributed to their child's distress.
It is crucial for them to understand that their child's behaviour is not a reflection of their parenting abilities or their love, but rather an instinctual response shaped by a chaotic emotional landscape.
The Need for Support: Structures and Strategies
Navigating the challenges of parental alienation is complex.
Both parents and children can significantly benefit from professional counselling or therapy.
Such services can provide essential tools for children to express their feelings and for parents to navigate their feelings of grief and confusion.
Support groups like PAPA specifically designed for parents facing similar challenges offer a safe space to share experiences and coping strategies, which can alleviate feelings of isolation.
Moreover, encouraging open communication between the child and the targeted parent, when possible, can help restore trust and build lasting connections.
Strategies for Targeted Parents to Foster Connection
Targeted parents can undertake several practical strategies to rebuild their relationship with their child:
Maintain Consistent Communication
Regular outreach, such as sending letters, texts, or voicemail messages, can provide the child with a sense of reliability and stability, fostering open lines of communication.
Focus on Unconditional Love
Consistently expressing love despite rejection is vital. Simple affirmations like “I always love you” can help remind the child of their bond.
Seek Common Interests
Discovering and engaging in shared hobbies can help create comfort and ultimately reconnect the targeted parent and child over time.
Encourage Healthy Emotional Expression
Establishing an environment where children feel safe to communicate their feelings is critical. Encouraging conversations about their experiences can normalises emotional discussions.
Understanding the Alienating Parent's Role
While the emphasis is often on the child, it's essential to also consider the alienating parent.
Their actions may stem from unaddressed psychological concerns or feelings of inadequacy.
Gaining insight into the alienating parent’s struggles does not condone their behaviour, but it does provide context for the child’s reaction.
Often, the alienating parent, in their attempt to protect the child, may inadvertently cause emotional harm.
This situation perpetuates cycles of dysfunction that can impact the family for years.
Legal Considerations: Seeking Recourse
In severe situations where parental alienation threatens a child’s well-being, legal action may be necessary.
Courts can take allegations of alienation very seriously and may implement measures designed to create balance in custody arrangements.
Navigating legal processes can be challenging.
Seeking advice from PAPA can empower targeted parents, ensuring they can effectively advocate both for themselves and the well-being of their child.
PAPA Plus members who have completed our courses, used our Ai and made use of our 1-2-1 help often report better outcomes in family court.
Moving Forward
Parental alienation creates a complex emotional crisis for children, leading them to instinctively reject a targeted parent as a survival mechanism.
Recognising that such rejection stems from instinct rather than true feelings is essential.
It can help alleviate the burden of blame on targeted parents who often suffer from the fallout of these situations.
By nurturing open communication, seeking support, and striving to maintain healthy family dynamics, it is possible to mitigate the impacts of parental alienation.
Fostering environments filled with love and understanding plays a crucial role in transforming a troubling narrative into one of healing and reconnection.
Understanding the impact of survival instincts is vital in guiding this healing journey.
In need of help or support?
If you are an alienated parent reading this article and feel you are in need of help and support then please make sure to join PAPA today by signing up here on our website.
This will give you access to our community support forum as well as our Resource Centre, which includes downloadable guides and on-demand courses to help through the process of being alienated and regaining contact with your children.
We also have our Facebook support group that you can join here.
Our Facebook support group has several dedicated chat rooms where you can get immediate support.
If you are a member of PAPA you can also send us a message here on the website and we will try to get back to you as soon as possible but please bear in mind, we have hundreds of messages weekly so it may take us a while to get back to you.
We are currently prioritising PAPA Plus members due to high demand.
Regardless of circumstance you are not alone and at PAPA we are here to support you.
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We would love for you to join us and help spread awareness for parental alienation and all of the dynamics involved so that we can continue to help parents and children towards a better future.
Our Ambassador Program allows you to grow your involvement with the cause by earning points on your membership.
To earn points we have created rewards for actions such as completing one of our courses, booking a case review, or ordering supply.
We will be adding new rewards and actions to our Ambassador Program as we continue to grow our awareness efforts.
We want our members to feel rewarded for their support as we continue to look for new ways to improve the lives of those impacted by parental alienation.
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Proceeds from memberships and supply allow us to push the cause much further towards raising awareness and improving our services and resources so that we can continue to help more and more parents and children.
Thank you for reading and for your continued support of PAPA and our mission to end parental alienation.
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