Understanding the Cycle of Abuse.

Parental alienation is a painful situation many families face during divorce or separation.

It occurs when one parent influences a child to reject the other parent.

This manipulation can cause deep emotional and psychological harm.

In this article, we will examine the cycle of abuse in parental alienation, focusing on the troubling dynamics between the abusive parent and their victims—the children caught in this conflict.

If you're an alienated parent and need help with your situation then you should join PAPA today.

At PAPA we have several free to use support spaces, as well as additional resources available to our Plus members, such as courses, PAPA AI and 1-2-1 help.

What is the Cycle of Abuse?

The cycle of abuse consists of four stages: tension building, incident, reconciliation, and calm.

Recognising this cycle helps us understand how abusive behaviours can emerge in parental settings, particularly in alienation cases.

Tension Building

The cycle starts with tension building.

In this stage, the alienating parent may show irritation or frustration.

For example, they might start making negative remarks about the other parent, frequently criticising their parenting or personal choices.

This creates confusion and doubt in the child's mind.

A child, sensing the growing tension, may feel anxious or fearful.

They might worry about their relationship with the other parent.

For instance, a parent might say to the child, "You know your dad doesn’t really love you," which can create significant emotional confusion in the child as they try to navigate their feelings.

Incident

In the second stage, we witness the incident, where the abusive behaviour escalates.

This might include overt actions such as preventing visitation or speaking negatively about the other parent.

Statistics show that in about 30% of high-conflict divorces, one parent engages in some form of alienation behaviour.

During this phase, the child feels immense pressure to side with the alienating parent.

They may fear repercussions if they express love or loyalty toward the other parent.

This creates a loyalty conflict that can be emotionally painful, as the child feels torn between their parents.

Reconciliation

Next is the reconciliation phase.

Here, the alienating parent may try to soothe the child, portraying themselves as the victim of the other parent's actions.

They could shower the child with affection or gifts to deepen their bond and reinforce the alienation.

Unfortunately, this manipulation creates a sense of responsibility in the child to maintain the relationship, further entrenching the cycle of abuse.

This can be particularly harmful.

The child might develop guilt for caring about the targeted parent.

For instance, if the alienating parent says, “I’m all alone without you,” the child may feel obligated to prioritise the alienating parent's feelings over their own.

Calm

The cycle concludes with the calm phase, where tensions diminish temporarily.

The alienating parent may seem loving, creating a false sense of security.

However, this calm is often brief.

The underlying tensions and resentment remain, and the tension will eventually build again.

During this phase, the child might feel relief, believing that the conflict is over.

However, this relief can mask the reality that the cycle of abuse is likely to restart, often leading to significant emotional damage over time.

The Impact of Parental Alienation on Victims

The effects of parental alienation can be tragic and far-reaching.

Children caught in these dynamics often experience severe emotional and psychological issues, such as anxiety and depression.

Emotional Consequences

Children affected by parental alienation may struggle with emotions like guilt and confusion.

They might become distrustful and fear abandonment.

A recent study found that 50% of children involved in parental alienation struggle with long-term relationship issues as adults.

In addition to emotional ramifications, the stress can lead to behavioural problems such as aggression or withdrawal.

Children may act out in school or at home, trying to cope with their intense feelings, making it hard to maintain stable friendships or excel academically.

Psychological Effects

The psychological consequences can be equally severe.

Affected children may face anxiety disorders and depression.

In extreme cases, some may even experience PTSD due to the constant emotional strain.

The ongoing pressure to choose sides can create an unhealthy environment that stunts their emotional development.

Identity issues may also arise, as the child struggles to understand their place in relation to both parents.

They might feel pushed to choose one parent over the other, creating a fractured identity that can persist into adulthood.

Recognising the Signs of Parental Alienation

Identifying parental alienation early is vital for providing support.

Parents, family members, and educators should be aware of signs indicating a child may be experiencing alienation.

Changes in Behaviour

One of the first indicators of parental alienation is noticeable changes in how a child relates to one parent.

For instance, if a child who once had a loving relationship with their father suddenly starts displaying hostility towards him, it could signal a problem.

Other behavioural changes may involve increased anxiety, social withdrawal, or declining academic performance.

These shifts can alert caregivers that the child is dealing with the emotional fallout from parental alienation.

Verbal Indicators

Children might also reveal verbal signs of alienation.

They may repeat negative remarks about the targeted parent that sound unusual, or they might express feelings of guilt over their loyalty.

For example, if a child says, “I don’t want to get in trouble if I talk to mum,” it indicates they are under pressure to align with the alienating parent, exposing the emotional burden they carry.

Breaking the Cycle of Abuse

Addressing parental alienation requires a collective effort involving intervention, support, and education.

It's essential for both parents to recognise the dynamics at play and strive for a healthier co-parenting relationship.

Seeking Professional Help

One effective step is to seek professional help.

Family therapy can provide a supportive environment for all parties, helping them express their feelings and address underlying issues.

Trained therapists can facilitate communication and foster understanding in the family.

In some situations, legal intervention may be necessary.

Courts can help enforce custody agreements and ensure both parents can maintain a meaningful relationship with their child.

Having legal structures in place can provide stability for the child.

Educating Parents and Caregivers

Education is key to breaking the cycle.

Parents should learn about parental alienation and its impact.

Workshops, support groups like PAPA, and literature can offer valuable insights and strategies for navigating these complex situations.

By increasing awareness, parents can improve their communication and co-parenting efforts, creating a nurturing atmosphere for the child.

This proactive approach may significantly reduce the odds of continued alienation.

Creating Healthier Environments

Understanding the cycle of abuse in parental alienation is critical for recognising its damaging effects.

The stages of tension, incident, reconciliation, and calm create a hostile environment that can have long-lasting repercussions.

By identifying the signs of parental alienation and seeking support, parents can work collaboratively to break the cycle of abuse.

Prioritising children's well-being, along with education and compassion, can help create healthier relationships, allowing children to maintain strong connections with both parents.

Breaking the cycle isn't easy, but with understanding and commitment from all parties involved, it's possible to foster a nurturing atmosphere that allows children to thrive.

In need of help or support?

If you are an alienated parent reading this article and feel you are in need of help and support then please make sure to join PAPA today by signing up here on our website.

This will give you access to our community support forum as well as our Resource Centre, which includes downloadable guides and on-demand courses to help through the process of being alienated and regaining contact with your children.

We also have our Facebook support group that you can join here.

Our Facebook support group has several dedicated chat rooms where you can get immediate support.

If you are a member of PAPA you can also send us a message here on the website and we will try to get back to you as soon as possible but please bear in mind, we have hundreds of messages weekly so it may take us a while to get back to you.

We are currently prioritising PAPA Plus members due to high demand.

Regardless of circumstance you are not alone and at PAPA we are here to support you.

Become a PAPA Ambassador

If you like our resources, articles and support networks and agree with what we stand for then why not get involved and help us push PAPA further by joining our Ambassador Program?

We would love for you to join us and help spread awareness for parental alienation and all of the dynamics involved so that we can continue to help parents and children towards a better future.

Our Ambassador Program allows you to grow your involvement with the cause by earning points on your membership.

To earn points we have created rewards for actions such as completing one of our courses, booking a case review, or ordering supply.

We will be adding new rewards and actions to our Ambassador Program as we continue to grow our awareness efforts.

We want our members to feel rewarded for their support as we continue to look for new ways to improve the lives of those impacted by parental alienation.

You can also become a PAPA Plus member, which will give you exclusive access to even more help and resources.

Each PAPA Plus membership makes a huge difference to the cause as it really helps us to improve our services and our awareness campaigns.

Proceeds from memberships and supply allow us to push the cause much further towards raising awareness and improving our services and resources so that we can continue to help more and more parents and children.

Thank you for reading and for your continued support of PAPA and our mission to end parental alienation.