What is Parental Gatekeeping?
- PAPA
- Jul 17
- 7 min read
Parental alienation is a troubling issue that deeply affects families going through separation or divorce.
Central to this problem is gatekeeping, a behaviour where one parent deliberately restricts the other parent's access to their child.
This behaviour can create severe consequences for both the child and the alienated parent.
This article breaks down the complexities of gatekeeping in relation to parental alienation, highlights its damaging nature, and explores the impact it can have on everyone involved.
If you're an alienated parent and need help with your situation then please join PAPA today.
At PAPA we have several free to use support spaces, as well as additional resources available to our Plus members, such as courses, PAPA AI and 1-2-1 help.
So What is Gatekeeping?
Gatekeeping happens when one parent actively limits or controls how often the other parent can see their child.
This can be expressed in several ways, such as:
Refusing visitation rights or contact
Ignoring court-mandated custody agreements
Purposely excluding the other parent from important decisions and appointments
Speaking negatively about the other parent in front of the child
Withholding pertinent information about the child, such as school info
Manipulating the child’s feelings to build resentment toward the other parent
Grasping the concept of gatekeeping is essential.
It creates a toxic atmosphere for not only the parents and child but also affects extended family and the larger community.
The Roots of Gatekeeping
Gatekeeping can spring from various sources.
It often arises from unresolved conflicts between parents, a need for control, or feelings of rejection.
For example, a parent may believe they are protecting their child from potential harm by blocking contact with the other parent.
While these motives may seem protective, the consequences can be destructive.
Gatekeeping can intensify feelings of fear, anger, and confusion within the child, trapping them in a conflict they never asked for.
The Effects of Gatekeeping on the Child
Emotional Impact
The emotional toll on children affected by gatekeeping is significant.
Children may experience:
Confusion: If one parent speaks ill of the other, the child may struggle with divided loyalties. A survey showed that 40% of children felt unsure of whom to trust after hearing negative comments from their parent.
Anxiety and Stress: Trying to please both parents can put immense pressure on a child, leading to increased anxiety levels. Research indicates that children in high-conflict families are 35% more likely to develop anxiety disorders.
Low Self-Esteem: Children may internalise feelings of rejection, leading to a sense of worthlessness. In studies, up to 40% of children caught in parental alienation report low self-esteem as a direct result of gatekeeping.
These emotional wounds can have lasting effects, impacting a child's growth into adulthood and bringing challenges in their own relationships.
Developmental Consequences
For children to thrive, a secure attachment to both parents is crucial.
Gatekeeping can hinder this attachment and lead to:
Behavioural Problems: Emotional instability caused by conflicting loyalties can result in increased aggression or withdrawal from social interactions. Statistics reveal that up to 55% of children experiencing parental alienation face behavioural issues.
Academic Setbacks: The emotional distress caused by gatekeeping can distract children from their studies, resulting in lower academic performance. Children in these situations often see a drop in grades by an average of 30%.
Research shows that emotionally chaotic environments can severely hinder a child's cognitive growth, leading to long-term developmental delays.
The Effects of Gatekeeping on the Alienated Parent
Psychological Impact
For the parent facing alienation, the psychological cost can be immense.
Common experiences of loss and rejection include:
Depression: Being cut off from a child can induce profound sadness. Surveys reveal that almost 60% of alienated parents report experiencing clinical depression.
Feelings of Helplessness: Constant struggles to maintain a connection can create a sense of powerlessness and frustration.
Isolation: Many alienated parents feel cut off from their support networks. They often report feeling alone in their struggles, leading to heightened distress.
This psychological strain can not only affect the individual but also ripple through the family, damaging relationships with siblings and extended family members.
Legal and Financial Ramifications
Gatekeeping can escalate into extensive legal battles, where parents fight for visitation rights.
Legal fees can quickly accumulate, often leading to financial strain.
In fact, parents embroiled in such disputes may spend an average of £50,000 on legal costs.
This financial burden can push some parents toward bankruptcy, intensifying stress as they navigate both the legal landscape and their wish to maintain a relationship with their child.
Luckily PAPA members have access to legal resources such as courses, 1-2-1 help and our PAPA Ai, which drastically reduces the legal costs involved but doesn't remove them completely due to court fees.
Identifying Gatekeeping Behaviour
Identifying gatekeeping behaviours is crucial for addressing this destructive issue.
Some indicators include:
Criticising or belittling the other parent in front of the child.
Communicating only through intermediaries, which undermines direct co-parenting efforts.
Interrupting scheduled visitations to restrict access.
Forcing the child to choose sides, which leads to further emotional turmoil.
Growing awareness about these behaviours helps families and professionals take steps to reduce the adverse effects of gatekeeping.
Addressing Gatekeeping
Open Communication
Effective communication between parents is vital to reduce gatekeeping behaviours.
Parents should aim to:
Have regular discussions focusing on the child’s needs, schedules, and preferences.
Use co-parenting strategies to present a united front to the child.
Address disagreements with respect and prioritise conflict resolution.
If needed, involving a neutral party like a family therapist or mediator can enhance communication and understanding.
Legal Solutions
When communication fails, legal intervention may be necessary to enforce visitation rights.
Courts can issue orders ensuring both parents maintain their relationships with the child.
Violating these orders can carry serious consequences for the parent engaging in gatekeeping.
Engaging with PAPA, who are experienced in these matters can help navigate the complexities of parental alienation and gatekeeping.
The Role of Family and Community
Support Systems
Family and community members can play a significant role in countering the effects of gatekeeping.
For instance, relatives such as grandparents, uncles, and aunts can contribute by:
Maintaining contact with the child to prevent feelings of isolation.
Providing emotional and logistical support to both parents.
Facilitating safe communication between the child and the alienated parent.
Community resources, including support groups and family counsellors, can bridge the gaps created by gatekeeping behaviours and parental alienation.
Education and Awareness
Raising awareness about parental alienation and gatekeeping is essential.
By educating families and individuals about the signs and effects of gatekeeping, empathy and understanding can grow.
Increased awareness empowers friends, family, and community members to offer support to those affected.
Navigating Toward Resolution
Gatekeeping in the context of parental alienation is a harmful practice that disrupts the emotional and psychological well-being of children and alienated parents.
The ripple effects extend far beyond the immediate family, affecting relationships and community ties.
Awareness, communication, and support are vital to addressing this issue.
Through collective understanding and action, families can aim for healthier dynamics and create nurturing spaces for children.
Parents and communities must work hand-in-hand to confront gatekeeping behaviours and foster effective co-parenting strategies.
By doing so, families can restore valuable relationships, nurturing a stable environment where children can thrive.
In need of help or support?
If you are an alienated parent reading this article and feel you are in need of help and support then please make sure to join PAPA today by signing up here on our website.
This will give you access to our community support forum as well as our Resource Centre, which includes downloadable guides and on-demand courses to help through the process of being alienated and regaining contact with your children.
We also have our Facebook support group that you can join here.
Our Facebook support group has several dedicated chat rooms where you can get immediate support.
If you are a member of PAPA you can also send us a message here on the website and we will try to get back to you as soon as possible but please bear in mind, we have hundreds of messages weekly so it may take us a while to get back to you.
We are currently prioritising PAPA Plus members due to high demand.
Regardless of circumstance you are not alone and at PAPA we are here to support you.
Become a PAPA Ambassador
If you like our resources, articles and support networks and agree with what we stand for then why not get involved and help us push PAPA further by joining our Ambassador Program?
We would love for you to join us and help spread awareness for parental alienation and all of the dynamics involved so that we can continue to help parents and children towards a better future.
Our Ambassador Program allows you to grow your involvement with the cause by earning points on your membership.
To earn points we have created rewards for actions such as completing one of our courses, booking a case review, or ordering supply.
We will be adding new rewards and actions to our Ambassador Program as we continue to grow our awareness efforts.
We want our members to feel rewarded for their support as we continue to look for new ways to improve the lives of those impacted by parental alienation.
You can also become a PAPA Plus member, which will give you exclusive access to even more help and resources.
Each PAPA Plus membership makes a huge difference to the cause as it really helps us to improve our services and our awareness campaigns.
Proceeds from memberships and supply allow us to push the cause much further towards raising awareness and improving our services and resources so that we can continue to help more and more parents and children.
Thank you for reading and for your continued support of PAPA and our mission to end parental alienation.
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