Why “High Conflict” Is Often Just One Parent Fighting to Stay in Their Child’s Life.

When the term “high conflict” appears in custody cases, it sounds neutral and professional.

Yet, in practice, this label often becomes a way to stop listening to one parent’s concerns.

The uncomfortable truth is that one parent’s desperate efforts to stay involved with their child are frequently seen as the problem itself.

This article explores how this narrative forms, the psychology behind it, and why it matters for families caught in the system.

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How the Narrative Forms

Custody disputes often begin with one parent withdrawing or controlling access to the child.

This parent may stonewall communication or limit the other parent’s involvement.

The other parent, desperate to maintain a relationship, pushes back by asking questions, filing court applications, or documenting concerns.

The system tends to view this persistence as aggression rather than a plea for fairness.

The parent who pushes for accountability is often labeled as difficult, while the quieter parent is seen as reasonable.

This dynamic shapes the entire conflict narrative.

Compliance Is Rewarded, Resistance Is Punished

In many cases, the parent who complies quietly with court orders or restrictions appears cooperative and reasonable.

They are seen as calm and healthy in their intentions.

Meanwhile, the parent who demands accountability or challenges restrictions is often branded as combative or obsessive.

This creates a system where compliance is rewarded, and resistance is punished.

The parent who fights to stay involved risks being misunderstood and marginalised, even when their concerns are valid.

The Psychology Behind the Smear

One common psychological pattern in these cases is projection.

The controlling parent often assigns their own controlling or obstructive behaviour to the other parent.

This can lead to a pattern known as DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.

In this pattern, the controlling parent denies their behaviour, attacks the other parent, and then claims to be the victim.

Professionals unfamiliar with coercive control may miss this pattern, leading to misinterpretation of the conflict.

When Advocacy Is Pathologised

Parents who ask for evidence or want contact with their child are sometimes labelled with negative terms:

• Asking for evidence becomes “combative.”

• Wanting contact is seen as “obsessive.”

• Defending oneself is described as “lack of insight.”

  
  

This pathologising of advocacy discourages parents from speaking up and can silence those who are trying to protect their relationship with their child.

How Children Become the Leverage

Contact restrictions are often introduced as temporary measures.

However, these restrictions can last for months or years.

When a child shows reluctance to visit one parent, the blame is often placed on that parent rather than exploring the child’s feelings or the other parent’s influence.

What might actually be alienation or manipulation is reframed as a simple “relationship breakdown.”

This shifts focus away from the real issues and allows harmful patterns to continue unchecked.

The Role of Delay

Delays in custody cases are common.

What starts as a temporary arrangement can become the status quo over time.

Months turn into years, and courts may later describe these long delays as “settled” arrangements.

This delay benefits the parent who withholds or obstructs contact, while the parent who wants involvement faces ongoing frustration and loss.

Who Actually Creates the Conflict

The parent who keeps showing up and asking for time is not the source of conflict.

Nor is the parent who wants to maintain a relationship with their child.

The real conflict often comes from the parent who withholds access, manipulates the system, or obstructs communication.

Recognising this shifts the focus from blaming both parents equally to understanding the true dynamics at play.

The Cost of Mislabelling

Mislabelling a parent as “high conflict” has serious consequences:

• Children lose access to a safe, loving parent.

• The fighting parent is silenced and marginalised.

• Abuse or controlling behaviour is rewarded with authority.

  
  

This mislabelling harms families and undermines the goal of protecting children’s best interests.

Reframing “High Conflict”

The term “high conflict” should not be used to suggest that two parents are equally at fault.

Often, it describes one parent refusing to disappear from their child’s life and a system that mistakes this love and persistence for danger.

By understanding the real dynamics, professionals and courts can better support families and ensure children maintain meaningful relationships with both parents when safe and appropriate.

In need of help or support?

If you are an alienated parent reading this article and feel you are in need of help and support then please make sure to join PAPA today by signing up here on our website.

This will give you access to our community support forum as well as our Resource Centre, which includes downloadable guides and on-demand courses to help through the process of being alienated and regaining contact with your children.

We also have our Facebook support group that you can join here.

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If you are a member of PAPA you can also send us a message here on the website and we will try to get back to you as soon as possible but please bear in mind, we have hundreds of messages weekly so it may take us a while to get back to you.

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We would love for you to join us and help spread awareness for parental alienation and all of the dynamics involved so that we can continue to help parents and children towards a better future.

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We will be adding new rewards and actions to our Ambassador Program as we continue to grow our awareness efforts.

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Proceeds from memberships and supply allow us to push the cause much further towards raising awareness and improving our services and resources so that we can continue to help more and more parents and children.

Thank you for reading and for your continued support of PAPA and our mission to end parental alienation.